It's been almost a year since Jim died.

I did a lot of staring into space. A lot of crying. A lot of sleeping.

I did a lot of reading about near death experiences. I also started slowly veering away from Catholicism. Started meditating. Exploring other beliefs. Seriously contemplated on seeing spirit mediums so I could communicate with him.

I read & listened to Conversations with God multiple times. Read about Buddhism. Saw a spiritual guide. Had an angel card reading.

I still believe in God. Religion, not so much. I still believe in kindness, in love. Even more so now.

I still cry.

It doesn't really stop as they say it would. I'm doing a better job of hiding it now. I'm more conscious especially after I received judgement from one of my colleagues.

Someone asked what I would do for his first year anniversary. I unhesitatingly said "Nothing."

I want to do something that would make Jim happy. And until I find out what it is, I would do nothing. No get together, no reunion, no laughing with other people while reminiscing fond memories of Jim.

This grief is my own. I am still hurting.

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